There are the Doers and the Buyers

and never the twain shall meet.  This is the way that I categorize my mom friends...or maybe just my friend friends.  Nothing brings this more to light and the disparity between the two than good ol' halloween.  My daughter asked to be a cardinal for halloween (I quickly realized that it was not the leading dignitary of the Roman Catholic Church, nominated by the pope, but, the bird).  My first thoughts were 1. where do I buy that, 2. can I buy it off of the St. Louis Cardinals' website, 3. how much is this damn thing going to cost, 4. I need a coupon code for costume stores......and the frenetic thoughts continued. So, I'm telling my friends (here is where the divide is so apparent) and some of their eyes light up......(and their frenetic and oh-so-crafty minds begin)..."you are going to have SO much fun doing it.  well, you could get a red leotard, and you can get wings and glue feathers, yes, beautiful red feathers.  And of course you'll need tights and oh my gosh maybe a red shaggy haired wig.  Then a beak, you'll need  a beak...you can go and get ice cream cones and then have her string it to her......"   I tune out a bit, but, am marveled at them (yes, plural, more than one). I listen and look on like this

It doesn't faze them, bless their hearts, they are so awesomely passionate about it. When I tell them, "thanks (insert one of the MANY names of people that were jazzed about doing it themselves), but hell no will I be doing it myself".  I'm buying that bitch. 

After their

                                     
look back at me, I quickly realize that we are who we are and that's all there is to it.  
                                              


My inutility and uselessness does not end there, birthday parties are in this category too.  I don't make jack.  I buy it all at etsy (where the doers dwell), while my mom friends are baking cakes, taking classes to bake said cake (if they have a challenging theme), making homemade invitations, blah blah blah.  While I do covet these folks so very much, I am immediately thinking who can bake, and decorate cake or cupcakes, where I can order invitations from, and if there is enough money in the budget to have a photographer at the party, because I can't be bothered.

So really what I have just realized whilst blogging is that the doers and buyers are really the ying and yang, the cookies and milk, the wind beneath my cardinal wing.  Symbiotic relationship, fo shizzle.  Well shoot, I'm part of an ecosystem.  Cool, I don't feel so useless now.

So, there are the "doers" and the "have somebody else do it' ers" and I am perfectly ok being the latter.  We all have a place in this big, wide world.  Moral of the story...tally up the prices of the material, gas to get to the store, and the creativity fee, and I'll buy it from you.

Mushy Post

Mother's Day has come and gone this year.  It has always been that this is the day that you show and shower your own mother (or mom-like figure) in your life with adulation and love.   It was no different this year.  The only thing was that this year, I have begun to feeeeeel differently about what mothering/parenting is all about.  I also have this growing respect and reverence to my own  mother.  It's like, you know you love your mother and always have, but, now its like you share this experience with her.   How can I manage to love my mother more after becoming a parent?  Weird, right, but, you just can't believe that your mother loves you like you love your children.  It's an immeasurable, immense, full body kinda love. 

I think each year you grow in your parenting and seem to become more sure footed about certain things.  My poor first born, is still our beloved guinea pig though.  She gets our first go around with a topic or situation, but, we also feel more confident that we can handle things.  Our focus has turned somewhat away from her physical needs and shifted more to her emotional/character/morals/ and relationship needs.  The cool thing is that it seems my 3 year old is riding the 5 year old's draft.  So what was a huge deal for us when Athena was 3, isn't such a big deal with Saylor at 3.  We're more relaxed and therefore, easier to see things that are actually important and those that aren't.

I wanted to thank my daughters for being perfection.  I am honored to co-parent them.  I am lucky that they chose us and that we get to experience them.  I want to thank Athena for making me a mother, and for Saylor who complements and completes our family.  And, I want to thank both of them for making me WANT to be a mother. 

Finally, I want to thank you mom, for before, now and for whats to come.

Told you.  Mushy post.

   

Sole Mate

Long story short, second day back at the gym after a long hiatus.  I work out, shower, get ready for my day (remember this post?) and leave the gym.  I return home to find that in my bag there is only one sneaker.  I go back to the gym and *poof* gone, no shoe anywhere and nothing in the lost in found, or in the garbage.  I lost one of my damn shoes!  Second day back.  Ugh.  So it goes.

I leave the front desk person my phone number and a description of my shoe ala missing person.  "It was blue and silver, new balance, size 8 1/2, with double knotted shoe laces. Last seen in the locker room". The diffident front desk person writes my name and number on the corner of a group exercise class schedule.  He is soooooo not going to call me.  My sneaker is a goner.  The quicker I come to terms with this, the quicker I can move on.

So, after I get back in my car, now I'm pissed b/c I have to go and get a new pair.  I dislike unnecessary purchases, dislike them very much.  All of a sudden though, instead of being angry, I start to think about the shoe that was left behind.  My mind starts to wander and I start to personify this left, left shoe.  I mean I won't be using it anymore, it's not like I'm Terry Fox or anything.  So, now I am really thinking and empathizing with my poor lone sneaker.  I start to day dream  drive....


 If my sneaker were to write a personal ad, I feel it would be something like this....

Seeking sole mate.  Love to take long walks, and short ones too.  Love the outdoors and consider myself a morning person.  Doesn't matter what race you are, I love them all.  Looking for attractive, and athletic build.  Ideal mate would love to just run around town with me, and experience life's "hi's" and "lo's".  Only those that take pride in themselves and are odor and disease free need apply.  Should like Zumba, spinning and boot camps.  Must be spontaneous and willing to try new things.  Needing someone who has no commitment issues.  Only original personalities, no fakes or knockoffs, not too flashy but with a sense of style

 

Seeking someone that can meet me where the rubber meets the road.  So, if you want to take a step in the right direction, contact me.  Please include a recent picture.

Kurkure

It means crack cocaine in Sanskrit.        No?   It doesn't?  Oh.  *shrugging shoulders*  Welp, it should.  I have just found this snack that I am COMPLETELY addicted to (and so is Athena).  It is a grown up version of a Cheeto. These crunchy strands are similar to Cheetos, but have an Indian masala twist. They have a slight bite and tangy taste. There is no coincidence here, it is actually part Frito Lay's Indian division.

Now, I am so addicted that Athena and I MAY  have had that for breakfast the other day.  With a tall glass of milk, of course. Saylor ain't havin' it though.  "too spicy.  I don't like it.  I want oatmeal."  The gall of that girl to want breakfast food FOR breakfast.

In some part of my brain, I am justifying this snack as another opportunity to expose the girls' palates to new foods, when in reality......its an Indian Cheeto.


Now, these snacks are SUPER popular in India but are just being introduced to the mass american market in recent times. You know us Americans will need a "It ain't easy bein' cheesy" -Chester Cheetah kind of clevah advert for us to try their foods.

Somehow though, I don't think that

or

will prompt too much creativity, but we'll see.....

There IS this

and 

so we'll just have to wait and see.


In the meantime it just makes me want to do this......

Why I love Tina Fey

Prayer For Her Daughter

 

 First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day - And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

-An excerpt from Tina Fey's new book -Bossypants, 2011

I really f%&*@ it up this time

Athena is 5.  Athena reads.   Reads really well.   She is into chapter books and spelling and just all around interested in reading, words, and their relationship with us.

So, whats shes been doing lately is grabbing the cd booklets and singing along to songs in the car.  It's awesome, to hear her little voice just singing the words.  This is something that I can't do, because I seem to be missing that gene.  You know the one.  The one that sings the correct lyrics, knows song titles, etc. I'm all about how the song feels and how it makes me feel.  Unlike people, like my sister, who are totally into wooooords, their meeeeaning and composition, blah blah blah.

Well, my name is Barbie and I am addicted to Mumford and Sons.  Listening to it non stop recently.  Never ever paid attention to the words (I know, a sacrilege to those of you who 1. listen to lyrics, 2. think of it more like poetry). 

Now to bring it all home.....

Imagine me and the girls driving with the windows down in our car, with Mumford and Sons blaring and Athena reading/singing along to Little Lion Man.  All of sudden I hear her say  "but it was not your fault but mine and it was your heart on the line, I really fucked it up this time, didn't I, my dear?  Then I hear Saylor repeat it and all of a sudden, BOTH girls are all singing along loudly "but it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line,  I really fucked it up this time, didn't I, my dear?  At first I was like whoa, THAT'S what it says, then I was like whoa, THAT'S what it SAYS??? I didn't want to react to it obviously, but I knew the question was coming......

and then there it was...


Athena- Mama, what does "fucked it up this time" mean.

Saylor- "fucked it up this time?"

speaking to myself......Barbie, don't fully acknowledge (just like that you haven't blogged for two months)

Me- It means they really messed up, made a mistake.

Saylor- Oh.

Athena- messed up? what do you mean?

Me- no more calm, cool and collected pep talk   Ok, listen, it's a "boss" word.  Only to be used by adults.  In fact, lets just listen to another song.

Athena- No, no, I want to hear #7, the "fucked up song".

Me- Athena, that is an adult word.  Please don't repeat it.

Athena- Oh, only bosses can say it?

Me- Yes, love.

Athena- So, only bosses drink coffee, martinis, wine and soda, and can say the words "fucked up this time"?

Me- oh my god.   Yes, love.

DOES ANYONE WANT TO HEAR BARNEY??????????  Well, I  do!




For the rock dwellers....

Thousand Word Thursday (TWT)

Welcome to Thousand Word Thursday, TWT

What are these subjects saying/thinking?

Happy Thursday and Happy Commenting ;)

Necessity is the Momma of all Invention

As y'all know I have a three year old. I am a huge fan of the 3 day potty training method by Lori Jenson. I had my 5 year old "trained" in 2.5 days when SHE was three, so I know it will work. The only thing is that it is a pretty intense 3 days. You and your partner (or care provider) have to buckle down for a few days for potty boot camp. It is intense, and exhausting, but super worth it.

So, back to my new 3 year old. I had planned on finishing with the diapers that I had just bought at Disneyworld, er, Costco before beginning the "training". About 4 days ago, my husband says "hey, we need diapers, I am going to stop and get some" and I said "Nooooooooo, don't. I'm waiting for these to finish so that I can start with Saylor". He said "oh, great idea, ok".

So, well, life gets fast and there are oversights here and there of course, there are also unanticipated things that come up, right? right.

Cue in last night....................

We are sorta yelling to each other because Michael is downstairs and I'm upstairs, playing Jenga or something.

Michael- Are there any diapers up there?

Me- No, none up here. Why?

Michael- Well, I need one for Saylor.

Me- Oh shoot, I forgot that we were going to start after these diapers were gone. Check the school bag.

Michael- checked, there aren't any in there. I'll just go get some.

Me- *while balancing my tower* No, no! I'm going to train her soon. Just, check the car.

Michael-not in the trunk, babe.

Me- Glove compartment (well, I'm in Texas, so "gun compartment")?

Michael-nope.

Me-oh my gosh. What do we do???????

MacGyver-Don't worry guys. I've got it.......




PLUS




It was all we had. Her sister's panty and one of my sanitary napkins. I adhered it to the underwear and let it flap its wings. Michael was in disbelief. I think he thought I was pre. tty. cool. Saylor was laughing when I put it on her, but she still wore it throughout the night! I love what a cool cat she is. The best part is that it actually worked!

I mean isn't that what a diaper is? A sanitary napkin shaped underwear?

So, here I am sharing this information with the blogosphere. If I can help just one parent, then I've done my job.

Anyhow, needless to say, we did it once more when we changed her this morning, but Michael ended up going to buy a small pack to get us to the weekend.

Tortoise and the Hair

So, we've basically become experts at doing things efficiently and trying to maximize our outings/events. Almost every place I go to doubles as something else and you get to get more done in less time than it would take you to go to each place individually.

Get gift cards at grocery stores, get gas at the car wash, eat dinner at the movies, cook a meal (in the crock pot) while you leave your house, or renting a movie at the redbox while you wait for your prescriptions. I sometimes sing "trans. formers.....more than meets the eye" in my head.

All we're doing is attempting to save time and multitask, right?. Some say multitasking is actually a misnomer. Your brain hasn’t evolved to deal with consciously processing multiple streams of data, such as listening to someone talk on the phone while you check your email and try also to keep one ear open for tidbits of an interesting conversation nearby. What we call multitasking is actually a process of switching attention rapidly among a number of different activities.

Confirming this finding is an experiment where subjects were asked either to check their email and then write a report — the tasks performed sequentially — or to do both tasks at the same time. The multitaskers took one and a half times as long in total than those people who did one task and then another.

Anyhow, back to my anecdote.

So, my hair is stick straight. Obnoxiously so. When I realized (years ago) that my blow dryer was doing nothing other than blowing hot air onto my hair while I ran my fingers through it I immediately thought of "blow drying" my hair....................................using the heater in the car! I know, you're aghast, but, IT WORKS. I do this so much and am so successful with it, that my daughter's both know that this is what I do. They anticipate it when I get into the car with my damp hair and my 5 year old begs me to open up a window for them to "breathe fresh air".

Well the other morning, I was using the trusty heater to dry my hair and I was at a red light (which is when I really give it volume by drying it upside down and where I get my longest stares) and Saylor was in the back seat.

Conversation went like this.............

Saylor- "momma hair"

Me- "yes, momma's drying her hair"

Saylor-"no, momma, hair, ugh"

Me- "yes, doesn't momma look crazy drying her hair?"

Saylor- "Momma! (I swear her face looked like she wanted to say Yo, Bitch!) Hair in my mouth! Momma's hair, in my mouth! Look! "

I reach back to her and grab this long ass, brown hair that had already wrapped around her tongue, from her mouth. I actually had to stop the car and help her remove the hair from her throat.

I couldn't help but laugh and then she did too.

I'm really not angry

The kind of shit a parent does and the predicaments that a parent is put in, is really only understood by another parent. I mean even the awesome stuff (to you) is hard to relay. You try to explain to your friends who are single or don't have children about your activities or doings with your family/children and they want to understand you and they want to share in your experiences, but, they just can't. I mean, I couldn't when I didn't have kids.

I actually said to my friends once, "I know you have three kids, but I work and go to school and I make the time to call you". Ummm, no. Dearest old Barbie-without-children, it isn't the same. At all. Your friend was in a whirlwind of activity and could not eke out the time to talk to you (without interruption). What your friend wasn't telling you back then (amongst so many other things) was that she barely shaved anymore, and took showers now, not baths.

I had a friend tell me the other day...."My husband and I have been so crazy busy. We have had like NO TIME to ourselves. We've been to two birthday parties, and a wedding and we even had to go out to have drinks with some old friends that passed through town". I had to literally hold back tears and laughter concurrently. Michael and I DREAM of being that wonderfully busy again. We used to have Saturdays and Sundays and M-o-r-n-i-n-g-S all to ourselves. We did with them what we pleased, and never what we didn't. We'd "complain" about how we were "tired of eating brunch at the same place" and other ridiculous statements like that.

Another friend (sans bundles of joy) said to me "I got out of bed so. early. last saturday, 9:00am, for no good reason either". No, see....9:00am is already mid morning snack at my house. Puzzles have been constructed, train tracks have been made and trains have ridden on them, toast has been buttered, dust busters have been used and a time out or two have already been doled out. In fact, we wake up sooooo early in my house, that we can't even go out drinking or dancing the night before (and enjoy it) because I am perpetually calculating the maximum amount of hours I will sleep that night.

Now, I didn't want to this to be a bitch post because, well, that's tacky. And all of you know how much we enjoy our spectacular girls.

In conclusion (not really, b/c you know I'll talk about this again)....

Today, I had my newly 3 year old daughter brush my hair, with this....

during her 5 year old sister's ice skating lessons. You ask (well not all of you)...but why? that's gross? but I don't get it, she brushed your hair with the stem of her snack? ewwwww.

It kept her quiet for 20 minutes. 20. minutes.

So, don't worry, I'm really not angry, I just wanted to post what I was feeling today.

What are some things that you cannot believe that you do now that you have kids and if you're reading and don't have kids...what will "you never do?"

PS....please, please, please (I promise to not laugh) write me when you find yourself doing JUST that :))))))

Thousand Word Thursday (TWT)

I can't believe I haven't posted in a whole week. It is Thursday again and therefore, another TWT post.

Here's an oldie but goodie.

Comment on what you think the subjects are thinking or saying.
You can do both, either or neither (I'm not the boss of you :)

Happy Thursday Y'all!

Thousand Word Thursday

Click here to view these pictures larger

What are these subjects saying/thinking? Welcome to Thousand Word Thursday, TWT

Happy Thursday and Happy Commenting ;)

First, Pluto's demotion, now this.

The cheesy pick up line, "what's your sign?" may now have to be, "what's your new sign?" Or better yet....“Hey, baby. What's my sign?”. The zodiac signs have shifted is what Parke Kunkle (of the Minnesota Planetarium Society) is saying. The astronomer told the Minneapolis Star-Tribune that during the last three thousand years the Earth’s axis had shifted almost 10 degrees, which caused the alignment of the stars to move up to about a month and therefore affected the astrological signs that were established five thousands years ago by the Babylonians.

w. t. f.

I mean, it's like your parents dropping the bomb at 36, that you're adopted. It's like, huh? I 've been living my entire life thinking that I was this and now I'm that? Whoa.


But wait there's more....if you call within the next thirty minutes, you'll get a thirteenth zodiac sign for free. Yep, a whole NEW zodiac sign. Ophiuchus. Gesundheit. No, no, this is the new zodiac sign. It is wedged between Scorpio and Sagittarius. What are the traits of Ophiuchus horoscope?

The 13th sign of the zodiac, unlike the other 12 signs is actually associated with a real person. In the 27th Century BCE in Ancient Egypt lived a man known as Imhotep. Imhotep was known as ‘Aesclepius’ by the Ancient Greeks, however the attributes are the same under either name. One of Imhoteps abilities was healing and it is said that it was he who introduced it to mankind. His accomplishments also included a wide knowledge of medicine. The serpent or snake symbol which is still used today to symbolize the medical profession was also used to represent Imhotep. Below is a list of attributes associated with the Serpent Holder, Imhotep i.e Aesclepius. The descriptions below are associated with the 13th sign - Ophiuchus.

• Many people are envious of this subject as he progresses well throughout life.
• A seeker of wisdom and knowledge
• Many people are jealous of this person
• Tends to go for the more flamboyant in dress sense, favouring bright colours.
• Authority looks upon him well.
• Would make a great architect or builder.
• Number 12 is this persons lucky number.
• This person will have a big family but leave home at an early age.

Can't you just see the keychains, tee shirts, and coffee mugs with this on it? Or new serpent tattoos that people born from NOVEMBER 30 - DECEMBER 17 will be sporting? Of course they'll all be redone from their present Sagittarius, Archer tattoo.

This is the Zodiac as some astrologers believe it should be:

ARIES = APRIL 19 - MAY 13
TAURUS = MAY 14 - JUNE 19
GEMINI = JUNE 20 - JULY 20
CANCER = JULY 21 - AUG 9
LEO = AUGUST 10 - SEPTEMBER 15
VIRGO = SEPTEMBER 16 - OCTOBER 30
LIBRA = OCTOBER 31 - NOVEMBER 22
SCORPIO = NOVEMBER 23 - NOVEMBER 29
OPHIUCHUS = NOVEMBER 30 - DECEMBER 17
SAGITTARIUS = DECEMBER 18 - JANUARY 18
CAPRICORN = JANUARY 19 - FEBRUARY 15
AQUARIUS = FEBRUARY 16 - MARCH 11
PISCES = MARCH 12 - APRIL 18

Whatever. Super confusion is all I say. So all I have to do is recalculate my horoscope, my husband and my family's and Bob's your kunkle.

Not even gonna bore you....

with excuses as to why I haven't been around. Been thinking aboutcha, though. And I am also not going to talk about why the last couple of posts on the blog have been about my daughter's both using their anatomically correct verbal skills. Coincidence? Nope. One entry jogged the memory of another. simple.

Now, lots has gone on in the past ohhhhhh 2 months. But, again, not gonna bore you with reasons and excuses as to why I haven't been able to get words on el blogo, you people deserve more.

So...*KABLAM POW* the new year comes around and I'm wanting to get back onto blogging. We also now have much faster internet and I am not so frustrated waiting around for a picture or video to load.

So, I will blog again this year. Not because I have to, but, because I want to.

And, I am reinstating TWT (Thousand Word Thursday) because I loved it.

Be back after these messages from our sponsors..........

I want to thank you, Halloween.

Dear Halloween,

I just want to say that I heart you. I love the way you have treats at my disposal at every turn. A hershey's kiss here, a twix bar there, a handful of caramel popcorn, just 'cuz. Just Cuz!

Everywhere we go and everyone I see has candy or can get to candy, relatively easily. I want to thank you, Halloween. I don't know what it is that we are supposed to be celebrating, exactly, but I don't care. I am just happy that I can be part of this candy-thon. The "rules" are we have to dress up to get these treats, but that's not totally true, people are so willing to give out candy throughout the month of October, that a costume is just an added bonus. Even the supermarket gives out treats. It is really a great time for sugar junkies like myself. So I write you this letter, just to say thank you. Thank you just for being you.


Love,
Saylor 2 year old, and Michael, 37 year old.

Wordless Ode to Bumbo

Athena-ism #492

Conversation in the car


Me- I was thinking that we should have cupcakes for your birthday.

Her- I don't want cupcakes, I want a cake.

Me- Well, I was thinking cupcakes so that you could pass them around to your friends (plus it would be a hella easier to cut, clean, serve. And they would be infinitely cheaper than a cake) .

Her- But, I want a cake.

Me-Ok, yeah, ok, sounds good (I start thinking about picking one up at costco the day before party).

Silence in the car (don't see much of this action. ever)

Her- I want it to be black. With two astronauts holding hands. one is me and one is saylor.

more silence in the car

Her- and I want Jupiter on it. Yes, JUPITERrrrrrrr.

Long pause and more silence.

Me- (in tears thinking how HARD this would be) cupcakes are so much fun, they're like mini cakes, so each person can have one of their very own.

Her- No, I want a cake. Please.




So it'll look like this....but with a black background....two astronauts.....holding hands....Athena instead of Xander....and Jupiter.....the fifth planet from the sun and the solar system's largest.

Easy as cake. :(

Saylor had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb

Saylor had a little lamb whose vagina was full of cheetos.

So we've all read "tentacle bag", right? Well, apparently my 2 year old found out and decided she'd have a blog worthy ditty of her own.

I'm in my kitchen minding my own business or at least desperately trying to, and I look over to see a sullen Saylor. This rarely happens, so I decide to ask her...

me- What's wrong baby?

Say- mumbled sheep's vagina dirrrrty.

me- What, bub?

Say- sheep's vagina dirty

me- sheep's what?

she gets up from table and proceeds to shove Sheep's crotch in my face

Say- Cheetos on Sheep's vagina! A mess!

me- Oh. um. ok. let's wash it then.

she gets this huge smile and prances over to the tub and turns on the water

me- no, no, not a bath. I have to wash it in the washing machine. come on, over here.

we go over to washing machine. I toss sheep in.

Say- sheep's clean now!

Me- um, no, baby, not yet

another 8 seconds pass

Say- sheep's clean

Me- no, not yet

rinse. repeat. about 47 times.

Finally! The washing machine is done and now it's time to put her in the dryer. I transfer her from the washer to the dryer and Saylor catches a glimpse of her sheep. This was nearly catastrophic, I tried explaining to her about wet/dry/time/procedures. Nope. She wasn't getting it. Whine, whine, whine. Big fat tears rolling down her face, pout, just sadness all around.

Needless to say I took out the damn, damp sheep after about ten minutes. She grabbed her and hugged and said "sheep's vagina so clean".

Yes, baby, nothing like a clean vagina on a sheep.

I hope that big brother doesn't scan this last sentence and send who ever they send out for that sort of thing.

Bag o' laughs

A conversation between Athena (4) and Michael (37) after Michael gets out of bath.

Athena-daddy, whats that?

Michael-my penis.

Athena-no, no, behind your penis?

Michael-my scrotum.

Athena-what is inside your scrotum?

Michael-my testicles?

Athena-what are tentacles?

Michael-No, testicles.

Athena- (grimacing) Does it hurt?

Michael-No, it doesn't hurt.

Athena-daddy!!! why do you have hair on your tentacle bag?

I just laughed and walked out and let him handle the rest.

Waving White Flag

I wasn't going to write a july 4th post, then I was, but then decided not to. And I can do that kind of wavering cuz it's my blog :)

I did however want to show you the non-beach beach that we are now going to since we have nothing else. Remember this post? Same suits...nice life.

So....we surrender.

I have to tell you, it is growing on me. I don't know if it's because the girls don't care that it's brown/grey, or because it is a big open space that the girls are entertained for hours on end. No land lubber can argue with that.









Do they look like they care, even a teensy weensy bit?

Luxurious Summer Activities for the two I heart...

At the country club for a dip in the pool with friends



A Hands On- Art Appreciation class with friends (dollar store supplies and juice included)



Box seats for their favorite show



A leisurely read whilst in bed after their spa treatment (including tearless shampoo and manicure/pedicure with my nail clipper)





The Ooohs and Aaahh of a Summer Blockbuster



A toddler Cotillion....


The summer has just begun, but we have been able to give our daughters so much already. We don't want to go overboard or anything, but we will be attending the community pool later and stopping off at the SnoBall King. Nothing is too good for my girls :)

Bad Assery at it's Finest

Horton Hears a Who?

Just came back from the movie theater with my 4 yr old. We went to see Horton Hears a Who (HHaW). It was a lot of fun and great animation. Steve Carrell and Jim Carrey were great. Now, please tell me that I am not the only one that thought of what I am about to tell you. As when I read the book, I could not help but think of Barack Obama, his presidency, his ideas, and those of "others". Don't worry about it, I will not go on to speak about my political views or anything. For god's sake the blog's name is I heart 2 girls, not I heart to talk politics. Alls I'm saying is that I could not get the metaphor or the comparison out of my head. The entire movie.

With Dr. Seuss's deceptive simplicity, we hear about the persistence of doing the right thing no matter how hard and arduous the journey, even our faith (believing in something unseen). Also, all about our voices carrying and making a difference. I mean, "a person's a person no matter how small", right? and "I meant what I said, and I said what I meant".

Carol Burnett's character of the Sour Kangaroo's attitude of "If you can't see, hear or feel something it doesn't exist. And believing in "tiny imaginary people" is just not something we do or tolerate here in the Jungle of Nool."

Anyhow, just thiking about the movie on my drive home and wanted to share.

So, let's HOPE- "And so, all ended well for both Horton and Who's, and for all in the jungle, even kangaroos. So let that be a lesson to one and to all; a person is a person, no matter how small."

What do you think? Have you seen it? Am I trippin'?

Things I love about Houston, Texas

I will not talk about the heat, traffic, or crime. I will not talk about the heat, traffic, or crime.


Off the top of my head........


1. I am able to buy freshly made tortillas at the supermarket's bakery. There is literally a lady making tortillas there. Incredible.

2. The rodeo is a really. big. deal. It's in Feb and the WHOLE city gets revved up. I love it. There are even trail riders. Riders start off like 300-400 miles away and they actually ride through Houston.....for the rodeo.

3. The skyline. I just love it. *swoon*




4. The diversity in food. Really phenomenal. I could and should weigh 400 lbs. The food in this city is sublime. Whatever you fancy, it's here.

5. The Space Center, too cool.

6. Miller Outdoor Theater offers the most diverse season of professional entertainment of any Houston performance venue, and it's all FREE! Classical music, jazz, ethnic music and dance, ballet, Shakespeare, musical theater, classic films.

7. Discovery Green-an urban park in downtown. All events at the park are free and open to the public, unless otherwise noted. Discovery Green presents Houston's diverse world-class performing, literary and visual art in its Art Series. Discovery Green's Entertainment Series offers movies, Extreme Wii competitions, and concerts by talented musicians that showcase a rich variety of Gulf Coast and Central Texas sounds. For the health and fitness-minded, the Healthy Living in the Park series offers a weekly urban market and exercise classes such as Pilates, Yoga, and Zumba as well as a Hip2BFit exercise class just for kids. The Families & Children Series offers hands-on workshops and activities suitable for children and their parents. On weekends, families can visit the park, put their pets in one of two dog runs and watch their kids play on the playground while they discard their newspapers and cans into recycling bins.

8. The Galleria

9. Dive bars, all over town. Fabulous.

10. Bellaire China town, the food (dim sum, malaysian, korean, vietnamese)

11. Good salaries and cheap living.

12. People use "y'all" even in a professional setting.

13. I could seriously go on and on.



Do you know Houston? Woudl you agree, disagree, add, substract? or would you like to brag about your own city?????????

Bloggy Break, explained

Yes, it's been a month. No, it's not ok. I think about my little blog all of the time and things I want to say, things I don't and things I wish I could :) I have ideas I want to share, stories I want to tell and retell, and curse words I want to use with the caps lock on. But, I do none of the above. I also up the ante and bitch about it.

What I have decided to do is to blog old school. The way I used to when I started. About everything. And Nothing. No holds barred. Anything that popped into the ol' noggin (I wrote pooped first and contemplated not fixing the typo). Like when I started back in May of 2008 with my inaugural post, when I became a brunette, this post, and this one and 150 others (I'll spare ya) :)

So, starting asap :) I will just rant and rave about all that is important, ridiculous, mundane, exciting, hilarious, sexy, and fun, TO ME. I know that I just need some free time and a computer to make it happen. I vow to make that much more often. I actually use this as my only creative outlet these days, so it behooves me to do this. If not, I cook or garden....neither of which I do well.

See ya on the flip side.

Made in the Shade

For all of my bloggy readers that have green bloggy thumbs, please turn around and come back next post. Seriously, it'll be painful to read, so, just heed my warning.

I, am not, of the gardening persuasion. I can admire your garden, comment on your flowers, and gaze up at your trees for all eternity, but do not ask me what they are, how they got there and how to treat them. It's like I'm that guy at the bar with all of these women around, not having the slightest clue how to act or talk to them. It's like I don't have a pick up line, and get all flustered just thinking about a conversation with them.

I don't want to be a cliche, but I truly DO NOT UNDERSTAND how to keep plants alive. Sadly, I think I have even unintentionally killed dandelions, which by the way, until recently, did not know they were weeds and that people hated them.

One quick example I have for you is this beautiful tree I got as a housewarming gift. In a beautiful pot. I was determined to take care of this girl b/c to me it symbolized our new home, our future...yes, I understand I should never had committed to this and should never have put this kind of pressure on myself, but I digress. I googled this plant, named this plant, read up on how to take care of this plant....almost joined a plant "yahoo group" just to talk about "plants". I was ready, I was set, I went. I was so excited. The plant slowly began to wither, brown, basically fall apart. It was in hospice and there was no turning back. As I left her dead, brown body in the pot for waaaaaaaaay longer than I should have, I decided to dispose of the body. As I pulled her out of the pot....I saw this black thing on the bottom. I didn't know what it was until I turned the knobby thing and realized that it was the plug. I had killed her. Drowned her. Why didn't anyone say to open that thing. Was I just supposed to know? Was it that obvious???

My most recent homicide or horticide was just atrocious. I had a coupon (don't all good stories start like this??) and it was for a free 15 gallon shade tree with a purchase of $25. I was so stoked. Athena had begun to show an interest in gardening because of her school (which is a montessori magnet focusing on environmental science), so we went together to choose our purchase and our tree. It was so much fun and I was getting really excited at that nursery. I was thinking to myself....."self: you can do this...look at all of these people, people actually enjoy this. You can do it, I know you can".

I picked a magnolia (because it is he only one I recognized the name of...they are all over texas) b/c I figured they had to be easy. So, I discuss with the cashier about the care of this plant and how to take it out of the planter and how deep to dig the hole, how far away from my fence to do this, and about how often to water it, etc.

I can do this.

I take home this mammoth plant in the trunk of my car. The leaves flapped wildly while I drove on the highway....I kept telling it to believe she was in a hurricane and that it will all be over in about 13 miles. I get home, I have no shovel. I (well Michael) carried this tree to the backyard. I would now have to hire someone to dig a hole for me and to "fix" her up. No biggie, I am big into paying for services that I can't do myself. Ain't no shame in that game. We all excel at certain things. Cooking, gardening, car washing, babysitting, and cleaning aren't one of mine. Whoops, I've said too much.

The tree is beautiful. It looks like it is really going to be part of the family. We water it everyday. We have found caterpillars, roly polies, and beetles in it. It has been so much fun to watch the girls love on their new sister. Surprisingly, she starts to have leaves turn yellow....bewildered, I continue to water it and pull the dead leaves off. She is just adjusting to her new home, I say. I'm not worried. I do however, make a bee line to the phone, and call the landscaper guy.

me- Can you come out to check on my tree?

him- sure. what kind?

me- oh (feeling chuffed that I knew the name) it's a magnolia tree

him- oh those are great shade trees

me- yes, I bought it for that reason.

him- ok, well, I can come over and take a look at it and plant it for you. I am going to fit you in tomorrow, so it'll have to be quick. Make sure you've decided on a shady place for me to plant it at.

me- no, there is not a shady place in my backyard. It is super sunny. That is why I got the magnolia.

him- well, ma'am, the magnolia is a shade tree.

me- I know.

him- It needs to be in the shade.

pause.

longer pause.

him- hello? ma'am?

me (holding back tears)- Can you come and pick my tree up for a donation?

She wants to lead.... the Glamorous Life......

There are spurts of instances when I catch a glimpse of my old self. These are the times when I am dressed in a sexy get up, or have on some fancy shoes (you know the ones that clack... a term coined by 4 year old's best friend), or am having a political, cultural, or adult conversations with others, or when people say "I didn't know you were a mom". I love that. Only because it means I must look clean and composed, is all :)

These events seldom happen, but I find them to be interwoven in my daily life much more frequently now than when I first had my 4 year old (when spit up, crap, nursing bras, drool, food, etc was the fashion I was donning. I couldn't help it. As cool and glamorous as I was in my pre-baby world, I just didn't make the transition all that well.

So, as I had just started to get gussied up again, we decide to have another baby. We figure we should do this so that we don't get too accustomed to the make up, dresses, traveling, parties, and date nights we had started up again. Back in the state of perpetual casual/lounge wear I go. We have our beloved 2nd and I seem to know more, and realize that I don't have to run for the Mayor of Frumpsville for another term. I sit it out and really try my darndest to get my sassy back, quicker.

Then, on a night like yesternight, I realize that the "ebb and flow" of our re-entry into one of the "pages" of our old life, is less subtle than that and can be much more like the shock of the cooler they toss on the coach's head after a winning game. Let me tell you about it.

Cue in uber cool restaurant with a sleek, minimalist and stylish decor, fantastic menu, libations, etc. This bar/restaurant is frequented by Houston's hippest and has a very cool scene. It was given the title of "best bar" by playboy magazine....need i go on? Y'all got it, right? We enjoy it to the utmost. Convos, drinks and food were excellent.

Fast forward to the very end of the night. Standing at the valet station (with a gazillion hot looking houstonites), I am feeling so happy and sexy and fun and soooo not a "mom". One of my cool and hip momma friends remembers that she has to give me something so that I can use it with Saylor (my 2 year old), so she goes into her trunk and pulls out a big ol' wooden potty chair (this one to be exact)



and hands it to me. In front of everyone.

Can you feel the ice cold water on your head? Yeah, me too. I couldn't help but literally laugh out loud as I grabbed it from her, thanked her and waited for my car to be pulled up to the valet area.

I would not change that experience for the world though. Seriously.

As sheila e. said.......

without love....it ain't much...it ain't much

Tell 'er

At the bank the other day, I know can you believe I decided to actually go to one? Hadn't been to one in years...but I needed to go to the teller b/c I had lost my check/atm card and needed money.

Anyhow, Athena is asking ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY questions (those who have met her know that I am understating that number) about the transaction, who she is, what she is doing, what am I doing, what's the suburban next to us doing, etc. We begin to drive off (as Athena yells from her window..."Thank you, tube lady"!! and this conversation ensues...

ABA- is she staying there?

me-yes, she works there.

ABA-works there?

me-yeah, like daddy works.

ABA-daddy works in downtown, not here.

me-true, but, well, everyone works and has some sort of job.

ABA- is that her job? I'm the trash helper in class this week.

me- well, she works at the bank. She helps people like me get to their money. She sends it in the tube.

ABA- oh. i want to work.

me- you do? where do you want to work?

ABA- ummmm. Subway.

me- Subway?

ABA- yes.

me- why do you want to work at subway?

ABA- so I can help people make choices.

me- choices? like what?

ABA- white or wheat? and what kind of cheese they want.




Shall I go and deposit the college fund back at the bank, I ask myself.

Talk to the Unicorns and Goldfish cuz the baby ain't listenin'

Are all mommy hobbies created equal?

I met a fellow mom the other day. We were discussing, this, that and the other. I was nodding my head and we were agreeing with each other. "The challenges...", "the sacrifices....", "finding time for me...". Y'know, stuff us moms chit chat about.

*her phone rings*

"Oh it's my dance teacher", and I say, "wow, how cool, a dance teacher. What are you taking?" She says Latin Dance from this incredible Russian instructor. She says "They are the best at it. His wife and him are fantastic". I continue to ask about the dance teacher. I like to hear about fun, active things out there. I ask how often she takes classes from him and she says twice a week. So, I ask for his number b/c I would love to be able to do this too. It sounded like loads of fun.

She says, "214-555-1212". "A dallas transplant, huh?" I say. "oh...he's in Dallas". Puzzled, I say "Dallas? Like, almost-4 hrs-away-Dallas, Dallas? "Yes, she answers, I just love it. It is such a break". Me clarifying "So, you drive 4 hrs each way, twice a week, to meet with your Russian dance teacher for lessons?" No, she says, I fly there, it only takes 30 minutes. I chuckled and said "wow, that's great". Me clarifying "soooo, you get on a plane, go to take your lesson and then get back on the plane and come home?"

of course not, I stay the night at a Ritz Carlton.

then I just straight up laughed and said "that is just plain awesome".

Next time I feel like I am unwinding and escaping at the Color Me Mine pottery studio, I'll make sure to remind myself of this ditty.

lol.

Friend of mine, swear2god.

www.TiffanyLFox.com


What are your thoughts???


Ideas?


Anybody in mind for her?


Would you do this?


Good Luck Tiffany!!!!!!!

Trippin' with my homeboy

We have a Cross in my house, and it isn't like up on the wall, but in this "hole" in the wall (wow...can you tell that architecture is my gig). We also have stairs in my house. Two small sets of stairs. Up, then a little landing, up again, voila...living room. We are always saying to the girls..."be careful, don't dance/play/jump/hop/skip/roll/push/pull/ on the stairs. They have never fallen or even tripped on them. I don't want to jinx myself, but 'tis true.

Yesterday, I was happily coming down the stairs, with my drink in hand (first one I might add) and I was just walking down. I (apparently) took a misstep, contorted my body (drink in hand), held on to Jesus Christ, (didn't want the cross, all of 18 inches tall and made of solid rose wood) to come crashing down. I had the cross and drink in my hands and ATE. IT. Martini, JC, and I. On the floor. I hear Saylor from upstairs.."mama loud, mama fall". Then as I was trying to get up, I let the now empty glass, slip out of my hands (6 inches) and cracked into many pieces.

It all ended with me having to use a rag to clean up apple-tini from the cross and massaging my hurting hamstring.

It all just seemed so wrong.

Michael Babysitting

Today's Top Ten

I totally just made this up, but I felt like it. These are a few of my all time favorite things. I added a challenge to myself, it all has to start with the same letter. They are in no particular order. Oh yeah and some will be tmi (too much information), of course.

B for Barbie (which just turned 51 the other day)

1. Burlesque Dancing
2. Bollywood
3. Bubble baths with babes
4. Bars
5. Babysitters
6. Burmese food
7. Brazilian Wax (I have no link to this....:)
8. Beatboxing
9. Bargains
10. Blogging

26 months

This is how old Saylor is today. This is also how old Athena was when Saylor was born. Get the picture?

I'm reminiscing, big time.

and now, you'll be dragged along too :)



Here is athena foreshadowing Saylor before she even knew that Saylor was a Saylor.




Will I be able to eat her...like this?




Wow, this is really gonna happen. Smile daddy, our life is about to change.





I'm gonna have to share all of this, aren't I?





What up???



Awww, she isn't so bad...kinda cute if ya ask me.



Oh boy. Can she see me?



Oh, she sees you alright.....

I'm gonna hug'er and squeeze'er and call her George




Bffs 4ever