Friday, May 31, 2013

Ease on down, ease on down the roooooad

So, I'm into music.  All types.  As long as there is musicality in it, I'm good.  I'm especially into metal.  So much so, I call myself a fancy metal head (isn't that cute?).  My husband is the one who turned me on to it years ago, so we'll call him Mr. Fancy Metal Head.  List that we enjoy.....Alternative metal, Death metal, Christian metal (that I may comically call Resurrection Metal.  JC, don't be angry, you gave me this humor), sludge metal, industrial metal and  finally the ironic mathcore metal (ironic in that the actuary  in the family ((and his fancy wife)) listen to it).  I mean Math Metal?  It is a rhythmically complex and dissonant style of metalcore. Both math rock and mathcore make use of unusual time signatures.  We're actually going to a concert tomorrow night of a band called Killswitch Engage.  Doesn't that sound fun? :)

This post is sooooo not about Metal though.

It's about me driving to the jiffy lube in my car doing this ala Office Space


I got to the place for my emissions test and the music was loud and I was head pumping, steering wheel thumping, hand wavin', dropping it like it was hot (while seated, which is even hotter).  The guy (who was black, by the way) was all smiles (maybe in a ridiculing sort of way, but, I don't really care).  He said "good morning to you" and I said "and to you, kind sir" (in just that accent you read it in).  He laughed and I laughed. 

Then, as I walked past him, I saw this......

and then did what any self respecting person would do......I rubbed the tree stump for good luck!  Hello?  Showtime at the Apollo??  That man about lost his mind.  He laughed and laughed and I swear he checked out my ass to see if I had one because I HAD to be black.  Nope, flat 'ass' can be.

So, that was the beginning of my morning.  How was yours?

Wednesday, May 29, 2013


Efficiency efficiency efficiency is my modus operandi.  I've always taken great pride in this, and still do.  Why do ONE thing at a time, when you can do THREE, right? Recall this blog post ?

Well, what I may have come to realize is that I may be, perchance, a lazy sod disguised in said 'efficiency'.

I mean, I am of the belief that if you don't ask the answer will always be NO, right?  It all started years ago when my nemesis (clean clothes in the dryer) was ridiculing me from the INSIDE of the dryer (heartless bitch, I know).  I had our fantastic babysitter come over one night.  She does a great job taking care of our children, and that is it (like she doesn't cook or clean or whatever).  As she walked into the house that night, I could hear (in a Tell Tale Heart sort of way) the taunting going on from the dryer. You'll never fold me.....wrinkles are cool.....I've been sitting here for daaayyyyssss.......your husband knows that you have dried me again and're not fooling anyone.......      It was awful, and loud.  As we walked out the door of our house I pulled the sitter aside and said "please, fold my clothes and put it away. I know its not your job, but, I'll pay you an extra $5", she said "sure"! That my friends was the beginning of the end.  It fed right into my doers vs buyers mode, 'member this blog post?

Well boys and girls, I've hit a new "level of efficiency", so to speak. 

I bought this beauty....

and put it up on the kitchen counter.  I think I bitched a little at myself for buying it whole, but, I saved so much money buying it this way!  I wasn't going to get all caught up in the up selling of already cut up watermelon, what a racket.  Well, the watermelon lingered on my counter, longingly wanting to be part of one of our desserts, taken to school for lunch, or even infused in vodka (my other M.O.).  I hadn't gotten around to preparing it, cutting it, cleaning up the sticky, fructose'y mess that all of that juice would leave on my counters and probably floors.  So, it sat there.  Until, *light bulb*, I had an idea.  I had my housekeeper coming over today.  I like to leave when she arrives, so that she doesn't wonder why the hell I can't clean my own damn house.  Well, I left her a note today, next to the watermelon that read "please prepare me", well, more like "Por favor, cortar y preparar".  I wrote that note and bolted out of my house like a meth head.  The audacity.

I hope I get home and find it looking like this....

or in all honesty, like this........

Lazy :)

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Sure beets dying

Dear Consumer,

Please refrain from crying when you see your blood tinged urine in the toilet.  It'll scare the shit out of you and make you make an appointment with your doctor.  You won't think of us because you just won't.    Don't fret though, it's just us and what we do.



PS- Our good friend, 

wanted us to 'pass' on a message to you too.  They'll make you think something has died in your urinary tract and you will feel as though you're expelling it through your urethra. Don't fret, it's just what they do.

PSS- Thanks and keep up the healthy eating!

And because I do what I do, here are the links to the facts about these two things Beets and Asparagus :)